Dose of Reality
By Bruce Mufson, LCSW
When you provide therapy in the manner that I do, the hardest thing to get across to someone is the importance of accepting reality. When I say reality, what I mean is I want them to be completely honest with themselves and accept what their life is at this present moment and not some distorted idea or fantasy of what they think it is or what it could be.
Obviously with the work that I do, that reality is not always going to be pleasant; but as I often say, “it is what it is”. The faster an individual is able to accept it, the faster they are able to make the necessary changes. For most of the people that I work with, change is something they have a difficult time embracing. To them, change is a scary, confusing, and unpredictable monster that is better left alone and unprovoked. However, I believe that with a little bit of time you get used to it, eventually accept it, and can move forward in a good space.
Imagine how difficult it may be for someone when they finally come to the realization that the “reality” they have spun for themselves is no longer beneficial, and they begin to see things for what they truly are. For most of us, It’s hard to admit that we are in an unhappy relationship, in a tailspin at work, are caught up with drug and alcohol issues, or that we have failed as parents.
A prime example of change or lack thereof, is when I’m working with women that are dealing with domestic violence issues. For them, the thought of leaving a man and going out into the world on their own is so scary that they will endure abuse to the point of insanity, all in the fantasy that things will get better. It’s absolutely terrifying and who wants to be on that roller coaster with no seat belt? Heck, I know I don’t. Sadly, for some women the only way they will ever leave such a situation is in a body bag.
Just to clarify, I understand why women when faced with these realities don’t leave. Often women come from environments in which they have witnessed their own mothers take a punch - both physically and verbally. They have limited education and poor job prospects, they suffer from mental illness, and if they have children, they wonder how they will provide for them. There is also the stigma in admitting that they could not make the relationship work; which makes them wonder if any other man could truly love them. Looking at that list I am reminded of my own mother. I realize that she was tagged with several of the above labels and made the decision to be with my father despite the punishment that she endured. However in the end, a few years before her death, even she had to admit that she had been lying to herself about who my father was as a husband and as a provider.
When I do therapy, one of the primary goals I have is to get the individual to realize that once they are able to look at the truth for what it is and accept it, only then can they grow and understand the journey they have moving forward. Is it a hard thing to do? Of course it is, and that is why so many people continue the same destructive patterns their whole life.
About the author:
Bruce Mufson has a MSW from the University of Georgia, which he received in 1995. Throughout his 20+ years as a LCSW, Bruce has clinically assessed thousands of individuals. Bruce’s experience has been vast and wide and has come to include individual and group therapy, prison setting counseling for youth offenders, working with sex offenders, youth parole and probation.
