HELP! I Am the Victim...
By Bruce Mufson, LCSW
In working with thousands of individual’s the number one question that seems to come up over and over again is, "what do you do when you grow up in a family being the victim of sexual and/or physical abuse"? You tend to have dozens if not hundreds of questions on what direction to go in.
10 Most Often Asked Questions
1. Do I forgive or do I forget?
2. If family members tell me that I need to forget or forgive and I choose not to, does that make me a bad person?
3. Am I allowed to be angry at G-d?
4. What do I do if my abuser is a close family member that is still invited to family events?
5. What do I do when I go to family for support and they ignore me, belittle me, and make me feel as if I am the problem?
6. What if I find out that my abuser who happens to be my father, is now sick and near death; do I have to visit him, comfort him, or provide him with resources or money?
7. Do I have to respect my mother after she lets her boyfriend molest me?
8. What do I do if my mother has made a choice and picks her boyfriend over me?
9. What do I do if family members say to me that it never happened and that I need to stop blaming others for my issues?
10. Do I have the right to confront others who have not been supportive or there for me in the past?
I have been asked all of these questions and many more by thousands of people. My response to each and every one of them is that you have to decide for yourself what you feel is the right course of action and have confidence in yourself that you have made the right decision, then be able with support, of course, to live with it.
You are entitled to your feelings after the experience that you have been through and no one has the right to tell you how to feel. If you don’t want to go to a family gathering due to the anxiety it brings up, then you do not have to attend. If your family does not understand or ask “what are you doing”?, realize that you do not have to explain yourself to anyone, anymore. People who have been abused will often ask me why their family, in particular their mother, does not understand or is not supportive. I usually tell them that you are not there to be a mind reader, or to try and understand the thoughts of others. In my experience if you look at the history of the parent you will find mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse, family dysfunction, and often themselves coming from an abusive childhood therefore rendering them unable to respond in an appropriate manner. Simply learn to let go and not let it eat you alive, as you may do more damage than good looking for an answer that you may never find.
On the other hand if you want to try and attempt reconciliation and you feel that you are strong enough to handle the emotions that I guarantee will come up, then by all means do it. It is perfectly understandable to want a healthy relationship with family and loved ones and to try and move forward with ones life.
Again, what I want to stress is to allow yourself to find the answers and solutions that work best for you. In the end, that is what the predator and abuser hates the most, a strong assertive individual. Reclaim your power and live the happy and productive life that you always deserved.
About the author:
Bruce Mufson has a MSW from the University of Georgia, which he received in 1995. Throughout his 20+ years as a LCSW, Bruce has clinically assessed thousands of individuals. Bruce’s experience has been vast and wide and has come to include individual and group therapy, prison setting counseling for youth offenders, working with sex offenders, youth parole and probation.
