Foundation is Key
By Bruce Mufson, LCSW
As I get older, I begin to realize how much of our adult life is determined by what we have seen and experienced as children and how those experiences have such a lasting affect on us for the rest of our lives. As adults, we often tend to think of children as being resilient; having this uncanny ability to deflect emotional damage suffered at the hands of life’s unsettling reality. From my experience working with hundreds of families, I begin to realize that children are being exposed to far too much at such a young age. In my line of work I often hear comments that are made up of basic fantasy and devoid of logic. Its not uncommon to hear the occasional “why can’t these kids get it together”, or “they don’t take school seriously, they are just lazy and unmotivated”, and the always classic ‘back in my day’ rant…
When I look back at all the kids I have come across in all my years as a Social Worker, what always seems to amaze me is not the high percentage of kids that have either ended up dead or in a dead end life, but the very few who seem to have beaten the odds and were able to escape the dysfunction of their families and climb out of the hell hole they were born into. When you have been exposed to domestic violence, have no father or normal male role model in the picture, everyone around you enmeshed in drug and alcohol abuse, and deal with trauma day in and day out; how can you even think about your future let alone being successful? At this point your only concern is trying to stay alive and not give in to the depression and suicidal thinking. How can you even begin to have self-esteem when you have never been praised for something you have done or never had someone made you feel like you really mattered?
As I have said before, I have yet to meet a happy-go-lucky drug or alcohol abuser. I mean who really wants to drink and do drugs to the point that they lose their family, job, have permanent brain and body damage, and at the same time almost guarantee that they will never have any self-respect? And when I talk to those individuals that still have somewhat the ability to carry on a conversation and can display some type of critical thinking, what comes out 100% of the time is a self-loathing, destructive pattern rooted from childhood. By the time the individual eventually gets help, they have such ingrained negative thought patterns that I am essentially working with someone that is 'broken' and needs to be put back together from scratch in a sense.
Even with my own personal successes and career achievements in Social Work, I too am still but a product of the environment that I grew up in as a small child. All the nonsense and garbage that I saw and heard growing up has left me with scars from emotional wounds inflicted. The efforts I have put forth to get past those old systems have brought me to a point in life where I’m now able to learn and apply new and healthier methods, which have benefited me in my marriage and also being able to better relate to my children; although both have been exhausting and draining at times.
My point is that if I had to admit my own personal weaknesses, failures, and multiple mistakes just to get to this point in my life, how could someone that did not come close to all the positive things that I’ve experienced even have a chance to be successful on their own accord? The reality is, they wont. I liken this to a house that is being built. If the foundation is off, even by a little bit, no matter how great the outside of the house looks it will never be sturdy because the foundation is unstable. When I work with people, the first thing I usually tell them is that we are going to have to work on the foundation and that means getting to the root of the problem.
In short, parents try to set your children up early on the right path to a positive and productive adulthood. Be supportive and ever conscious of what you do and say around your children. In the end, you will be glad you did.
About the author:
Bruce Mufson has a MSW from the University of Georgia, which he received in 1995. Throughout his 20+ years as a LCSW, Bruce has clinically assessed thousands of individuals. Bruce’s experience has been vast and wide and has come to include individual and group therapy, prison setting counseling for youth offenders, working with sex offenders, youth parole and probation.
